Cultivating a Culture of Play: Where Independence Meets Connection

As Montessori-loving parents, we know how important it is to nurture our children’s independence. We encourage free movement instead of confinement as much as possible, set up child-friendly spaces where toddlers can prepare snacks, and encourage school-aged children to set academic goals and pursue their deepest interests.

Yet, we are often at a loss when it comes to independent play. Why does our toddler cling to us after just five minutes of play? “I’m BOOOOORED,” claims our child despite having many toys and activities. If they can work independently at school, why can’t they play independently at home?

The paradox of independent play is that it doesn’t begin with independence—it starts with dependence. According to developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld, our children have an innate need to attach to us. When they sense a potential break in this attachment, they become preoccupied with restoring it. This relentless pursuit of connection can manifest as clinginess, perfectionism, restlessness, anxiety, or even detachment. In this state, children cannot relax into their most crucial work: play.

How can we free them from being preoccupied by this pursuit? By taking responsibility for the relationship and meeting their attachment needs. The Circle of Security Parenting framework describes two essential roles we play for our children: secure base and safe haven. As their secure base, we give them the confidence to explore while remaining attuned to their needs. As their safe haven, we provide comfort and protection and help them organize their emotions. A strong, secure relationship with our children creates the foundation for independent play to flourish.

Hence, we must ensure our children feel safe and connected before expecting independent play. When they struggle with play or complain of boredom, rather than trying to “fix” their problem or dismissing their need for attention, we can recognize boredom as a signal that they’re seeking connection. By taking time to connect, delighting in their presence, and joining in their interests, we meet their attachment needs. Once these needs are met, they’ll naturally transition into play.

To encourage independent play, we can also schedule play as a key part of our child’s daily rhythm, model playfulness ourselves, and create an engaging environment that grows with our child’s interests. These elements foster a culture of play that welcomes experimentation and emotional expression, creating a safe space where children can truly flourish. However, every child has unique play needs—some require more connection before playing independently, others need help coming up with play ideas or getting started, and others prefer parallel “work” with an adult nearby for reassurance.

Most importantly, despite societal pressure on parents, we shouldn’t treat independent play as the ultimate goal for our children. While giving children space to play alone is valuable, the quality of play matters more than its independence or duration. True play thrives when children feel safe, have the freedom to explore without pressure (with nothing at stake), use play for emotional expression, and experience connection—even through brief, shared moments with a parent. This type of play nurtures our children’s emotional well-being and keeps their spark of creativity alive.

Play in children unfolds naturally when we prioritize connection and cultivate a culture of play that values safety, freedom, and emotional expression. When our children feel rested in our love, they will venture into play joyfully, wholeheartedly, and often independently.