On Being: Shifting the Focus for Deeper Connection

As the year-end rush approaches, I reflect on how much effort we often put into doing for our children—orchestrating perfect birthday parties, purchasing holiday gifts, and planning everything to be “just right.” We quickly become so engrossed in the planning that we overlook the simple act of being with our children.

The Power of Being Over Doing
As a parent, I often ask myself, “How is my child doing overall?” I find myself evaluating his progress based on his school reports, academic milestones, daily play variety, and physical achievements at the playground. While this seems normal and healthy, I find myself focusing on what he isn’t doing rather than celebrating how far he’s come. Similarly, when I ask myself, “What am I doing for my child?” my attention shifts to all the things I haven’t done—actions left untaken and potential outcomes unrealized.

Conversely, when I focus on what my child is, I see the essence of who he’s growing to be. I notice how he interacts with his sister, his resilience after a tough day, and the playful way he navigates life. Witnessing his unfolding spirit fills me with joy and a deep sense of connection. When I ask myself, “How am I as a mother to my child?” I notice my state of mind and emotions when I am around my child rather than defaulting to actions and outcomes.

I realize how much focusing on doing creates distance while focusing on being brings us closer together.

A Relationship, Not a Project
In our outcome-driven society, we often celebrate significant achievements and milestones while overlooking the journey. We may unintentionally treat our children as projects to be perfected rather than as fully formed human beings.

For instance, when our children are babies, we’re often asked, “How well is she sleeping?” instead of, “What’s her personality like?” As they grow, people ask children, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” rather than, “What lights you up right now?” This cultural emphasis on doing is ingrained in us from childhood and triggers our feelings of perfectionism and inadequacy.

We often measure our success through our children’s behavior—their achievements boost our pride, while their struggles shake our confidence. We get pulled into a cycle of control where we prioritize compliance over collaboration. This dynamic gradually erodes our relationship with our children, leaving us disconnected and without the influence to guide them effectively.

A Call to Shift Our Focus
Our children do not come into this world to achieve our unfulfilled dreams and aspirations. Instead, they are separate beings with unique paths, and our role is to guide them with love and presence. Focusing on being with our children—truly seeing them, hearing them, and respecting their inner world—fosters a deep, trusting relationship.

A powerful way to focus on being is by scheduling “special time” with our children. It can be as brief as 15 minutes of undivided attention—free from phones, adult worries, commands, and judgments. “Special time” creates a safe space that allows us to connect, play with our children, and delight in their presence. This practice fills their emotional cup with the connection they crave while helping us slow down and truly see them for who they are. Connection is our children’s greatest need and our most significant influence as parents.

This is an invitation to guide our children with grace and compassion, helping them develop a solid foundation for emotional regulation and lifelong resilience. Finally, let’s periodically look to the future and ask ourselves: “What do I hope my child will have felt and learned from their experience of being parented by me?”